


Sanctuary

by brokenspell77



Category: Ballum, EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-10 22:29:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20535653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenspell77/pseuds/brokenspell77
Summary: An alternative take on the 05/09/19 bedroom scenes.Essentially a ‘what if Whitney didn’t show up’ fic.





	Sanctuary

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first jump into writing Ballum and once this idea hit me I just felt I had to write it.
> 
> Hopefully you enjoy it.

Callum with a beer bottle in hand looks around the bedroom as he rushes inside. A place that should be all about comfort and safety. Somewhere to lay your head down with that one special person. A sanctuary. But it’s never felt like that. No matter how hard he tried or how many times he wished for it to be. It just felt hollow, and now more than ever it feels utterly empty.

He tried to fool himself that this is the life he wanted; a home, a wife, a family. It’s what he should want. What everyone expects him to want and eventually gain.

He’s tried so hard and for so long to be someone he’s not. To follow the path set out for him by society, by his father, by his brother, he had to fool them. To fool everyone. And it got to the point where he even started to fool himself. He started to believe he could live a lie and be someone he’s not.

Yet every step he took in his relationship with Whitney he felt like something was missing. That there was a void that he didn’t know how to fill, but instead of accepting it he did what he always does and chose to bury it. 

He’s made a habit of doing just that. He buried his feelings for Chris and ran away from the army and now he’s doing the exact same thing with Ben. 

_Ben_.

Ben flew into his life like a tornado. He made him spin and forget to breathe. Ben made him forget and instead just made him feel and for the first time in his life he took something he truly wanted. That night changed so much, but come the harsh light of day it hadn’t changed enough. It didn’t eradicate his fear or self loathing, it just exacerbated it and before he knew it he was engaged and planning a wedding. He was now living in the eye of the storm and spinning harder and faster out of control.

Every step closer to the wedding made him feel more and more like a fraud, but he couldn’t admit to himself. Let alone anyone else. Ben was right when he called him a coward. Even today when it was all crumbling down around him like a house of cards with Whitney knowing the truth he still buried his head in the sand and begged her to stay. Promised her he would be the man he’s expected to be. The man everyone presumes him to be.

He’d been pretending for so long now, for so many years, he’s not even sure he knows how to do or be anything else.

Now he could be forced to be confront his fear. The choice could be completely out of his hands if Whitney decides to reveal the truth and it petrifies him. The thing he’s been running away from for so long could finally catch up to him and blow his entire life apart.

If that happens he doesn’t know what he’ll do. Where would he go from that point on. The fear of the unknown, the fear that everyone will know, from his brother, to the Carter’s, to the entire square, it scared him so much and it’s completely out of his hands. He feels like he’s falling without a parachute and any minute now he’ll hit the ground.

Drowning his sorrows seems like a good option and as he walks further into the bedroom he spots the wedding dress and not for the first time he wonders how everything in his life can change in a blink of an eye.

He crouches down and touches the dress, the guilt inside that’s been gnawing at him for months now eats him alive. 

Then he hears that familiar voice.

“Don’t think it’s your size, mate.” Ben comes closer. “I heard what happened. You okay?”

Callum takes a swig of beer not even sure how to answer that question and instead opts for one of his own. “That weren’t my brother was it?” he asks alluding to he blood and bruises on Ben’s face.

Ben smiles, almost laughs. “There’s a huge queue of people lining up to have a go.” Ben looks to to the bottle in Callum’s hand, “Drowning your sorrows?”

“I can’t even do that properly. I feel sick.” Callum replies, just another thing he can add to his ever growing list of failures he thinks bitterly.

Ben inches closer, reaches out and holds his arm with his voice soft and quiet. “I know it don’t seem like it now, but she’s done you a favour.”

He can’t hold it in any longer. He can feel the tears welling up and before he knows it Ben’s tossing his suit jacket aside and putting his arms around him and he doesn’t fight it. He’s so tired of fighting. He just melts into him and holds Ben just as tightly.

Callum’s not sure how long they’ve been stood there in each other’s arms, but he can’t find it in himself to let go. Eventually they do part though and somehow they find themselves perched on the edge of the bed.

“I must look a right state,” Callum sighs as he sets the bottle of beer down thinking drinking himself into oblivion’s probably not the best idea.

“I’m hardly a bed of roses myself,” Ben points out with a faint chuckle. He’s been covered in cuts and bruises more often than not lately. Seems everyone has a score to settle with him. 

He’s shocked when he feels Callum’s gentle touch on his head and looking at the cut there. He isn’t used to anyone giving a damn.

“Fancy a bit of rough, do ya?” Ben teases and instantly regrets it as Callum recoils and starts to argue that wasn’t what he was he doing. “Sorry I was erm...kidding. Bad habit I guess. I find it hard to be sincere.”

“Find it hard to do anything but.”

Ben smiles cos ain’t that the truth. He’s never met anyone that is as sincere as Callum Highway. It’s what got him in this mess. It’s why he’s sat right where he is in that moment.

“That’s why I like ya.” He admits and he feel the nerves swarm his entire body and it only increases the second Callum’s eyes meet his own.

For Callum it’s like the entire world stops turning and that the entire world shrinks down to just that one room and only he and Ben exist. That same spark he felt that night in the park returns. That spark that always seems to be flickering deep down whenever he’s around Ben.

Before he can even say or do anything Ben is moving. Standing up moving around the bed. He catches him by the wrist to stop him in his tracks.

“Where ya going?” Callum asks. He guesses it’s probably selfish of him, but he doesn’t wanna be alone. He doesn’t want Ben to go. For the first time since that night they shared in the park the endless noise in his head stops. He feels peaceful.

“I shouldn’t be here,” Ben whispers, unable to even look Callum in the eye. 

His heart is beating so hard and fast, his desire for the man all consuming, but he can’t put that pressure on Callum. Not now. Not today. Not until he’s ready, even if that day never comes.

“You need time, Callum. To get your head around all of this.” Ben tells him and they both know what _this_ means. The wedding, Whitney, his sexuality, them. “I don’t wanna make it any harder for you.”

“Please stay?” Callum pleads and Ben is sure he can feel Callum’s grip get a little tighter around his wrist. “I know I don’t have the right to even ask...”

Callum shakes his head and drops his hold on Ben. His head hangs feebly between his shoulders as he reaches back for the beer bottle.

“I think you’ve had enough already,” Ben states as he takes it from his hand. “Besides, I don’t really fancy cleaning up your sick again.”

Callum looks up then and finally there’s the faintest hint of a smile on his face. Bensits back down beside him with that familiar twinkle in his eye when he teases him.

“Trust me once was enough for one lifetime.” Ben smirks. 

A silence descends and neither man knows how to break it. Ben has a million and one questions in his head, ones where he’s desperate for an answer, but the last thing he wants is to rain down any more pain and misery onto Callum.

“It’s over,” Callum finally pipes up. “Me and Whit we’re done. She told me she deserves better and she’s right. She deserves better than me. She always has.”

“Anyone would be lucky to have you,” Ben states fiercely and even though he admits he struggles with sincerity he knows he’s never meant anything more in his entire life.

“Just not a woman,” Callum says and it’s not full of bitterness or anger, it’s almost an acceptance.

“I know it’s scary, Cal, I still remember how terrified I was, but being true to myself was the best decision I ever made.” Ben looks at Callum and can see his blue eyes shining with unshed tears and he hopes every word he says is comforting and consoling instead of confronting. “And I know you’re not there yet and there’s no rush or a time limit. You do it in your own way and in your own time.”

“You make it sound so easy,” Callum sniffs as he meets Ben’s gaze.

“It’s not,” Ben admits. “But it’s freeing and given time you’ll be so glad you took that step because you can finally be who you really are, Callum.”

“I’m tired of hiding. Of pretending to be someone I’m not!” Callum sobs. “I’m just so tired, Ben.”

“You don’t have to do this anymore, just be you,” Ben whispers as he puts an arm around Callum. “Just be you, Callum.”

Callum lets his head fall into the crook of Ben’s neck and he takes deep breath after deep breath. The words are still so hard to say. They get stuck in his throat. But it’s just him and Ben, no judgement, no questions, it’s just them and he finally lets the words slip free for the first time in his life.

“I’m gay.”

It comes out weak, croaky and a whisper, but he said it and he can breathe a little easier and the weight on his shoulders gets a little lighter.

“See, the world didn’t end.” Ben teases as he rests his head on top of Callum’s. “You should feel proud.”

Callum looks up at Ben with watery eyes and the slightest smile. “All I feel is exhausted.”

It was still daylight, but the hours that passed felt like days. Callum was emotionally and physically drained. He rids himself of his suit jacket and tie and tosses it on top of Ben’s at the foot of the bed.

“I just wanna sleep for days.” Callum utters as he rubs at his sore eyes.

“Probably a good idea,” Ben admits as he watches Callum kick off his shoes. “I’ll leave you to it. But if you need me...”

“Stay?” Callum asks for the second time that day. He’s been fighting it for so long, he just wants it all to stop and when he’s with Ben it feels like everything falls into place. “Please?”

Ben nods, takes off his shoes and slowly returns to the bed. Callum curls up on his side and Ben feels so nervous and unsure. He lays down beside the man he’s fallen for and just stares at the ceiling for a moment until he feels Callum’s hand envelop his. He meets Callum’s nervous gaze as Callum pulls him close until his chest is pressed to Callum’s back and they are curled up next to each other.

Callum lets out a shaky breath, but never lets go of Ben’s hand. He holds it even tighter, pulls Ben even closer and places their conjoined hands to his chest.

As he closes his eyes, he feels Ben’s breath at the base of his neck, his thumb stroking back and forth against his hand and Callum realises he just found his sanctuary.

.................

**Author's Note:**

> If you want you can follow me on Twitter @brokenspell77


End file.
